Spoilers
For those of you who don't know what spoilers are, the Masked Reviewer will tell you. But, what if you don't want the surprise of what a spoiler is ruined for you? Such a quandary. Because that, dear reader, is exactly what a spoiler is.
Have you ever gone to see a movie and realized that all the best parts had been ruined for you? Maybe a friend told you the "real deal" about Sixth Sense, or perhaps you saw a preview for Home Alone 3 and the big laugh where the bad guy gets hit in the testicles by a monkey on a pogo stick was shown, and rather than being surprised, you were annoyed that you already knew what would happen. (The Masked Reviewer hasn't seen Home Alone 3, so if there is, in fact, a scene with a monkey on a pogo stick hitting a bad guy in the testicles, it's purely coincidental. However, if Home Alone 4 features a monkey on a pogo stick hitting someone in the testicles, the Masked Reviewer will be calling his lawyers).
When someone tells you what will happen in a movie, they spoil it for you. Some people hate surprises and prefer to have everything explained to them in life before it happens. These people often ask "What's going to happen!?" during thrillers, and they want you to respond. These people probably read the last chapters of books first, too.
Spoilers run rampant in the film industry. The big studios realize that often their films aren't very good, and in an effort to make people think their films are great from beginning to end, they put together previews that feature all of the best parts -- the best jokes, the most exciting moments, the most beautiful scenery. Sadly, many of these best moments lose their impact after you've seen it in the preview, leaving the experience of seeing the film empty and barren, like Euro Disney.
Worse still are the efforts of film reviewers. It has become standard practice for reviewers to describe the plot of the film. For some people, that's swell. For some of us, though, we like to see a movie cold. Just go in, see the film. What's it about? Who knows? Maybe that's why they made the film...TO SHOW US. Many reviews like to spend more time showing clips from the movie than talking about whether it's good or bad. Well, if you see three scenes from the movie, you've had those scenes spoiled for you. You've got to sit through them again.
A good reviewer, such as the Masked Reviewer, does his job by telling you what's good about the film and what's bad about the film, without giving it all away. Spoiling is bad. Milk spoils...then you throw it away. Sure, there are good spoils, like the spoils of war, but you only get those during war, and war is bad.
So, if something has to be given away, the Masked Reviewer will warn you by pointing out that a spoiler is present. To preserve your total enjoyment of the film, don't read spoilers. Don't watch clips. Don't watch previews. Spoiler free is the way to be.
Protecting your movie enjoyment,
The Masked Reviewer.
